RUINS
by mels2001
Summary: It follows Brittany and Santana, but mostly Brittany, through season 5 and maybe even after that. Brittana.
1. Chapter 1

**I didn't intent to start a new fic before the end of Season 5 or even maybe 6 but the start of season 5 made me feel so furious and betrayed that I wanted to fix this in my head really quickly. I don't know yet if it's going to be multichaptered. I mean if Brittany comes back and Brittana is on again, I 'm willing to burn this!**

**Enjoy reading.**

* * *

_Brittany was in her dorm in MIT. It was 7 pm and she was sitting on her bed with Lord Tubbingthon in her lap._

**Brittany:** You know, Lord T? This change it may be good for our relationship. You'll stop your bad habits here. It's a very serious place. They don't want goofies like me and villains like you. Right, Lord T? _(Suddenly her phone rang. She checked the screen and smiled when she saw Tina's name on it. She quickly picked it up.)_ Hey, Tina!

_**Tina:**__ Hi, Britt!_

**Brittany:** So what's new? I know you've been dying to tell me whatever new gossip you found out.

_**Tina:**__ True! So are you sitting?_

**Brittany:** _(Her eyes widened and she giggled.)_Oh is that big?

_**Tina:**__ One word. (She paused and then screamed.)Dantana!_

**Brittany:** _(She didn't understand the hint.)_ Huh? _(After a few seconds she realized it and smiled.) _Ooohh you mean Santana found a new girl? Oh tell me, tell me! _(She was sounded excited.)_ How is she? I bet I can bit her!

_**Tina:**__ (She was confused and heisted to go on.) Ummm… So you are ok with this?_

**Brittany:** Sure… come on… Brittana is endgame. Let my girl play a little around, so not to think that she's losing things being exclusive with me from her 19.

_**Tina:**__ (She hesitated again.) Ummm ok. But there's more…_

**Brittany:** _(She encouraged her smiling.)_ Go on.

_**Tina:**__ She said to that girl referring to you, "I love her but it's over"._

**Brittany:** _(She laughed loudly.)_ Oooohhh Santana Lopez is back in town! Don't worry she just showing off to the new girl. I have to admit though; she's more pro flirting with the guys than with the girls.

_**Tina:**__ And the new girl said to her that Santana needs a "100% Sapphic goddess"._

**Brittany:** _(She laughed again.)_ Ooohh she has no game! Did that work with Santana? I don't think so!

_**Tina:**__ (She sounded more serious now.) Well… there's more…_

**Brittany:** I'm waiting.

_**Tina:**__ (She was very nervous for what she was about to say.) Umm she said to Kurt and Rachel… ummm… Santana said…_

**Brittany:** What?

_**Tina:**__ She said…"I finally have a girlfriend who I don't have to worry about straying for penis". Her exact words. (There was a long pause.) Brittany? Are you still there?_

_Brittany was sitting frozen in her bed. Her face had turned pale. She didn't even blink from the shock she was feeling._

**Brittany:** _(She tried to actually formed words.)_ Mmm…. Yeah… ummm

**Tina:** _(she was concerned.)_ Are you ok?

_Brittany blinked for the first time and immediately she felt something watery dripping on her hand. She couldn't understand where it was coming from and she turned her glare to the ceiling. She didn't see a hole and then she touched her face. She realized that it was here tears. She suddenly felt really angry with herself crying and wiped them furiously._

**Brittany:** _(Her voice was cracked.)_ She said that?

_**Tina:**__ Sadly yes…_

**Brittany:** _(She took a deep breath and spoke with a steadier, cold voice.)_ Tina, I'm gonna go now.

_**Tina:**__ Britt, you seem upset. Do you want to talk about it?_

**Brittany:** No, thanks.

_**Tina:**__ Britt._

**Brittany:** Tina, thank you for calling. I can't wait to hear from you again but please, don't call me again for any Santana news. I don't want to hear from her or anything about her ok?

_**Tina:**__ Ok…_

**Brittany:** _(She forced herself to smile as if Tina could see it.)_ Bye. Give my love to everyone.

_**Tina:**__ Ok. Bye Britt._

_Brittany hung up the phone and placed it on her night stand. She then took Lord Tubbinghton and put him on the floor. Her movements were extremely slow. As if she didn't know how to move. She then sat again on her bed and stared the wall. She stood like that for two hours. She couldn't do anything else except blinking and breathing very heavily. Her mind was completely blank. Even she couldn't think that her mind could be actually so empty in reality. That phrase that she had heard was so big that she couldn't find a way to actually fit it in her mind. She was sensing that it was something bad. She could feel it that it was something really bad. Maybe the worst thing she'd ever heard… or feel… she didn't know. But she couldn't understand yet why or what it truly meant. She just stood there staring the wall. After hours suddenly the realization of what she had heard hit her so hard that her breath caught, she began to turn read unable to breathe. She tried to open the window and to let some air to come in. She then fell on her bed crying, sobbing hardly. After three hours her tears had stop falling. Her glare was empty. She felt like falling constantly in a deep hole. She then took her phone and searched her contacts. She stopped at letter Q. There was only one name there. She pressed it and waiting. After a few seconds she heard a happy voice answering._

_**Quinn:**__ Hi, Brittany! (Her voice made Brittany cry again. She couldn't speak. The sniffs alerted Quinn.) Brittany, what's wrong? (Long pause again.) Please talk to me. You are scaring me. (Long pause again.) Brittany, are you safe?_

**Brittany:** Yes…

_**Quinn:**__ Oh thank god… Talk to me._

**Brittany:** She said that she finally have a girlfriend who she doesn't have to worry about straying for a penis.

_Quinn didn't answer as she was trying to understand what Brittany was saying. Brittany's sobs brought the realization to her._

_**Quinn:**__ Santana, right? (Brittany cried harder) Please don't cry… Please. (Brittany tried to calm.) I don't know what to say, Britt. It is really bad. But honestly… it doesn't sound like something Santana would say for you. I mean for anyone else?… Yeah easily… but for you?_

**Brittany:** Well I guess it was about time to experience what you all have already experienced. The wrath of Santana Lopez. Who said that I would be always the exception? Change of heart. Literally.

_**Quinn:**__ I don't know really what to say…_

**Brittany:** Don't say anything. Just hear me okay. Somehow I have this need to explain myself I guess? I don't know why… I don't know what I've done wrong. But you are the only one who I cared to talk to. Is that okay?

_**Quinn:**__ More than okay. You know that I love you._

**Brittany:** I've never cheated on Santana, Quinn.

_**Quinn:**__ I know that…_

**Brittany:** Listen to me, please. I've never even blinked to another person when I was with her. And I know it sounds weird but I wouldn't stray or change her for any penis on this world. Ever. I mean I like men. I love them. But when it comes to her, no one can compare with her. It's not the woman thing. It's her. I chose her in my life. I've slept with everyone but I fell in love with her. But yeah I've cheated and yeah I strayed in my life. I've been cheating on Artie with her literally every single week. And she would say to me that it wasn't cheating because the plumping is different. She was messing with my head to have me on her bed. And then she would dump me again to stray for every penis in this damn school. And then she finally realized that she is a lesbian. You know when she actually used that word I wanted to laugh. Santana Lopez, a lesbian! Wow. She has fucked three classes of Titans and a few Cheerios. She admitted that she was attracted to both sexes in Ms. Holiday when we asked for her help. I really don't fucking care for all that. I really didn't care. The only thing I've ever wanted was her. And I knew more than anything that the only think that she ever wanted was me. Because behind closed doors the masks drop. Behind closed doors only I could see through her beautiful eyes the sincerity of her soul when she used to confess her undying love for me. Behind closed doors only I could hear her thoughts, her fears, her secrets, her dreams. Behind closed doors she used to hide in my embrace and not me to hers. Behind closed doors there was never a gentler and loving touch on my skin. And behind closed doors she never feared that I would leave her for a man and I never feared that she would ever leave me for anyone. Even when she broke up with me I knew deeply inside me that it wasn't because she didn't loved me. She was just confused; she thought she was missing things with me in school. She broke up with me, Quinn, but I set her free. I was always afraid that we maybe not able to find our way back together again. But I've never thought that she would think of me like that. I mean… who is she? I don't know her anymore.

_**Quinn:**__ Britt… I can't really tell but sure it sounds weird even to me. _

**Brittany:** She always likes showing off… but like this…? It's disgusting.

_**Quinn:**__ Don't you want to talk to her? Maybe she can explain._

**Brittany:** No, certainly no. She was never mean to me and she was never ashamed of me. She supported me. That girl isn't my Santana. If she isn't my Santana, I don't have to say anything to her. This pain is mine and mine alone. I'll go through this alone. If she's messed up, she has to find her way alone too. I just wanted to talk to you. Do you believe me?

_**Quinn:**__ I do._

**Brittany:** Thank you.

_**Quinn:**__ Britt, do you wanna come this weekend here in Yale? We can spend some time together and talk._

**Brittany:** I'll think about it and I'll let you know. Thank you very much, Quinn. Goodnight.

_**Quinn:**__ Goodnight._

_Brittany put her phone on her nightstand and got under her covers. She was feeling alone, scared. And that falling into a black hole couldn't stop._

"_So that's how a real break up feels like…", she thought and closed her eyes. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Brittany spent the whole next week on her bed in MIT. She didn't go out even for a second. She didn't get up from the bed except to use the bathroom. She cried constantly. She tried to relive each single moment of her life with Santana. She wanted to find out the exact moment in time that Santana changed so much her opinion of her. She wanted to know which was that tiny moment that she'd let it pass through her fingers… the moment Santana doubted her devotion to their relationship… to their relationship as whole. Was it the day they broke up? Was it because of Sam? She couldn't really believe that she could be compared to Sam? Was it when she left for MIT? Was she supposed to beg Santana to take her back somehow? And then what? Then what would have happened when Santana decided again that she didn't get what she needs again? Because she said that too… but when she said it Brittany was already feeling guilty for staying behind and practically imprisoning Santana. She wanted Santana to have a chance in a brighter future… she didn't encouraged her so just she could stray for a dick. The remembrance of that phrase made her rush in the bathroom to throw up again. If she could just get that phrase off her mind… she couldn't keep throwing up… she wasn't even eating anything to throw it up. She sat exhausted on the bathroom floor. She heard her phone ringing. She hadn't answered any phone calls since the news. Only some texts messages for Quinn. Santana called her once. And then once more. And then sent a text message, "Hey Britt, how are you?". And then she texted again some time, "Britt, how's everything?" And the last time she just texted "Britt…" Brittany didn't answer any of that. However she had in mind that she should get clear with Santana at some point. She should explain to her that she didn't want any kind of communication with her anymore. She should do it… but she wasn't ready yet to explain anything… she was still throwing up in every thought. She was feeling so dirty. She made her feel so dirty… She… the only person that could cleanse her… The phone wouldn't stop and Brittany made her way to the bedroom to see who it was. It was her mother. They hadn't spoken to each other for a few days. She decided to answer it because she didn't want to alert her mother._

**Brittany:** Hello…

_Her voice was cold, emotionless, and serious. It has been like that for a while but Brittany never heard it before. She thought someone else just spoke. But no… it was herself. She sighed._

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ Oh baby, you heard… (She started crying.)_

_Well… yes… she heard. But how could she know about that._

**Brittany:** Why are you crying?

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ Honey, I know it's a shock… I want you to come back home… We are your family we can help you through this._

_What was she talking about? She didn't act like that when she came back from school that day when Santana broke up with her and she cried her eyes out. She just said to her, "Give it time. Time is a great healer". Well… karma is a bitch, mama._

**Brittany:** Mom… I don't understand. What's wrong? Is everyone ok at home?

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ Define home, baby._

_That alerted Brittany. That scared the shit out of her. Something happened to someone. She thought of Santana, but no she couldn't be her. She would have felt it somehow._

**Brittany:** Tell me.

_Brittany's mom was crying harder now. Brittany was holding her breath._

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ Finn… died, baby._

**Brittany:** Which Finn? My friend Finn?

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ Yes._

**Brittany:** Of course he didn't die.

_Brittany was feeling that she was loosing her mind. That inch by inch it was slipping out from her head. She couldn't let that happen. She needed her mind back to persuade her mother that Finn was ok. Old people always overreacted._

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ He died, Brittany. It is true… please come back home._

**Brittany:** Stop… why you keep say that he died. People don't just die.

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ But… they do, honey._

_Then Brittany realized that her mother was telling her the truth. And that… that wasn't something her brain could process. It is so big that she can't fit it in to her damn brain. _

**Brittany:** Oh my god _(She breathed out)_

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ I'm not hanging up the phone, sweety. I'm here. Talk to me or don't if you don't want. But I'm here._

_How could he do that? How could he just die? _

**Brittany:** Mom… I don't know how… to react… I don't know what to do…

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ Calm down, honey. You are not supposed to do anything. Act the way you feel, I'm here._

**Brittany:** But I don't know… I don't know…

_**Mrs. Pierce:**__ It's ok, honey. Do you want to call your friends maybe? You can grief all together and find your solution together._

**Brittany:** My friends? Oh my god… Rachel.

_And then Brittany started to cry hard. Because that was easier for her, that she could understand it. She could cry for her suffering friend. People suffer. But she couldn't cry for her dead friend, because people don't just die._

**Brittany:** I can't talk anymore.

_She hung up the phone. And then all the emotions hit her like a tidal wave. She was crying and kept throwing herself on the wall just to feel something… to open a hole and fit everything inside her… Santana, Finn… Santana. _

_Her phone was ringing again. That time was Santana. Brittany didn't answer. After a while she received a text from her voicemail. She called the voice mail and heard Santana's sniffs and then her cracked voice._

"_Ummm Rachel is like crazy… I don't know what to do… and… and Kurt is crying all the time… and I… where are you? Can you please come…? I need you… I so need you right now… and you need me too I know it… ummm… call me please… I'm at a loss…"_

_Brittany was lying emotionless on the ground. Finn was going to take many of them with him. Brittany was one of them. _

**Brittany:** You need me, Santana Lopez but you can't have me anymore.

_Brittany closed her eyes and tried to fantasize if Finn was watching the same darkness as she now. Or really there was a light there. Or maybe only darkness. Are people there? Are better friends there? Better than her anyway… Brittany wished there are. A sleep like a coma claimed her after a while._

_She woke up. She didn't know how long did she sleep. Anyway she had lost the sense of time long time ago. She crawled to her phone and called a number. After a while she heard the other person answering the call but she was only hearing sniffs._

**Brittany:** Quinn…

_Quinn was crying hard but Brittany was drained. She was so empty that somehow that made her so powerful._

_**Quinn:**__ I… he…_

**Brittany:** Quinn… don't speak. I just wanted to check on you. I'm hanging up now.

**Quinn:** No please. _(She paused.)_ How… how are you?

**Brittany:** Well loss is a way of living for me now.

_**Quinn:**__ I see…_

**Brittany:** How are you?

_**Quinn:**__ (She broke again.) I loved him so much… and she was the only one that loved me back so much. How's life without him?_

**Brittany:** If there's a life…

_**Quinn:**__ Brittany, don't talk like that. Anyway… I called Rachel… you don't want to know.. we have to go back for the funeral._

**Brittany:** Yeah…

_**Quinn:**__ Aren't you coming?_

**Brittany:** I'll come… but I won't show up to anyone.

_**Quinn:**__ Britt, you must set aside your differences with Santana now. At least for a while. She's pretty messed up too._

**Brittany:** She was always messed up. Now I'm too. I'll deal with everything in my own way. I'll see you back home, Quinn. Stay strong.

_Brittany hung up the phone and fell to her blackness once again. At some point she got up and reached her phone again. It was 4am on some Saturday. She started packing a bag with some clothes. Her phone buzzed. It was a text message. From Santana. "The funeral is on Monday morning. Please be there. Don't let me crack in front of all those people."_

**Brittany:** _(She spoke to herself)_ Well… I haven't received so many messages from you in months. Karma is a bitch.

_She closed her bag pack loaded to her shoulders, grabbed Lord Tubbinghton and left her room._

_She traveled for the best part of the next day until she finally reached her home in Lima. Her parents threw themselves on her hugging her but she was emotionless, cold. She hugged them back and started to head to her room. She stopped and turned to her parents._

**Brittany:** Please, be there for Finn's parents. _(Her parents nodded)_ Don't tell anybody that I'm here.

**Mrs. Pierce:** Brittany…

**Brittany:** Mom. Nobody will know, okay?

_Her parents nodded and Brittany went to her room. She stayed there until the funeral. Here parents where deeply worried. It was Sunday evening and her parents were sitting in the living room. Brittany has refused to eat once more._

**Mrs. Pierce:** What are we going to do?

**Mr. Pierce:** Is this only for Finn? Were they so close?

**Mrs. Pierce:** Finn was special to these kids. But I don't know... I mean our kid always had this way to see hard stuff differently. I don't know what happened.

**Mr. Pierce:** Did you notice… Santana's absent?

**Mrs. Pierce:** Santana's gone for the most part of the year.

**Mr. Pierce:** Yes, but I saw her father. He told me she's here.

**Mrs. Pierce:** You didn't tell him about Britt, right?

**Mr. Pierce:** No, I didn't. But what are we going to say tomorrow if people ask?

**Mrs. Pierce:** Well… let's say that she's down with a flue.

**Mr. Pierce:** And she couldn't make it to her friend's funeral?

**Mrs. Pierce:** It's not convincing I know… but what is…

_Brittany went out of her room._

**Brittany:** Just say, "I don't know". It's no one's business to know anyway.

_The next day her parents left for the funeral. She was getting ready when she received a text from Santana. "Why are you avoiding me so much? What happened? I'm going to the funeral. Please be there… I can go through this without you." Brittany switched off her phone and went to the cemetery. She was standing far away from the Finn's grave but she could recognize her friends. She had her eyes on Santana. Santana was holding Rachel. She couldn't see if she was crying. When the crowd started to leave, Santana looked all around searching for Brittany. Then she went over to Brittany's parents. She talked to them. Brittany saw her shaking her head and wiping her eyes. Everyone left and then Brittany reached the grave. She placed a white rose and sat on the ground._

**Brittany:** Hey… Finn… I'm here too… don't know if you care… but anyway I'm sorry… that you had to go… I loved you… I will remember you… and ummm…. Finn? You were a good friend.

_She stood up and left. When she reached her bedroom she switched on her phone and saw several missed calls, some hurtful messages from her friends telling her that she should be ashamed that she wasn't there and a voicemail. It was Santana again._

"_Are you fucking kidding me? Where are you? Where the fuck are you? What are you doing? I swear to you I'll find you and you better have a good explanation for all these. How could you do this to me? You know how much I need you. You know how guilty I feel right now for the way I treated him. Where are you… where are you… where are you" She was crying so hard and yelling that Brittany had a tear crossing her cheeks. _

_Later that day Quinn dropped by. She found Brittany on her bed._

**Quinn:** What's that? You are a mess. Have you eaten anything?

**Brittany:** What do you want, Quinn?

**Quinn:** I don't want you to follow Finn. That is what I want. Your parents are worried. Santana needs you really bad.

**Brittany:** But I don't care for all these.

**Quinn:** Brittany, come on. She made a mistake. Get over it.

**Brittany:** No. I'm sorry that she has to deal with all her mistakes in a single week but that's the way it is. You see, you've always thought I was a stupid, naïve person that couldn't feel anything more than first level feelings. Who's stupid now huh?

**Quinn:** That's not true.

**Brittany:** People like me when they fall… fall hard. And maybe people like Finn. You've all wanted me to leave this imaginary world of mine. So, I left it. Happy now?

**Quinn:** Brittany…

**Brittany:** Quinn, please leave me alone. I'll be in touch with you.

**Quinn:** Ok. Mr. Schue said that in couple of weeks they'll do a Finn week and we should be part of this. But I'll have performances then with my school's play. I talked to Rachel. She's ok with this.

**Brittany:** I'm not going. I can mourn Finn wherever I am. I don't have to be in the choir room.

_Quinn left and Brittany stayed in her darkness again. Before she drifted to her coma, she called Rachel._

_**Rachel:**__ Yes…_

_Her voice was soft and fragile._

**Brittany:** Rachel.

_**Rachel:**__ Brittany… ummm_

**Brittany:** I'm sorry.

_**Rachel:**__ Brittany… is that you?_

**Brittany:** Yup.

_**Rachel:**__ Oh… your voice is different._

**Brittany:** But it's still me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

_**Rachel:**__ I'm sorry too. He was your friend too. Mmmm you weren't there…_

**Brittany:** Of course I was.

_**Rachel:**__ Oh… but… Sant…_

**Brittany:** I would appreciate if you didn't tell her that I was there… But you can do whatever you want.

_**Rachel:**__ Ok._

**Brittany:** So bye, Rachel. I won't come on Finn week but I won't forget him either. Goodbye.

_**Rachel:**__ You sound like it's forever._

**Brittany:** What is forever, Rachel? Don't you question that now?

_**Rachel:**__ Ummm _

**Brittany:** Goodbye, Rachel.

_**Rachel:**__ Goodbye, Brittany. _

_Weeks went by. Brittany was still in her dorm bed missing classes, missing deadlines. The blackness had taken a very good part of her. She couldn't stay awake for than 10 minutes. She was eating a few cookies or chips. She was responding only to her mom's phone calls. Santana had stopped calling her. That made her calmer. She was feeling that soon enough she would be able to leave consciousness. One day her phoned rang. It was Santana. After a while she heard the message that meant that she had left a message to her voice mail. Santana was screaming and crying._

"_You crossed every limit. I hate you, I really hate you. You left me alone to fucking broke down in front all of these douchebags. Why? I want to know why? Because I have a girlfriend? Because I continued my life and didn't stay behind watching you fuck Sam? Give me a fucking reason. This is the way to get me back from her? You are pushing me to her. She wanted to come with me back in Lima. But no, I wanted you. I was such an idiot. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? Where are you… please… I will never forgive you, Brittany."_

_Brittany heard the message and she felt something inside her. It was funny. She thought was completely still and empty. She then grabbed her phone and called Santana. _

_**Santana:**__ (She gasped) Oh my god.. _

**Brittany:** Everybody hurts, Santana. Deal with it and you'll be fine. I know it sucks to need someone so bad who is not available for you but… welcome to the club.

_**Santana:**__ Don't hang up the phone. Don't you dare. _

**Brittany:** I' m not afraid of you. Although I should have. Because you were the only one who could hurt me. I don't want to hear from you anymore. Please respect that.

_**Santana:**__ But why…?_

**Brittany:** Because when you were wasting your time thinking that I would stray for a dick I was actually lying beside you.

_Brittany hung up the phone, switched it off and smashed it on the wall. She then left the room._


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all so much for your revies, follows and favorites. It means a lot.**

* * *

_When Brittany first enrolled on MIT, she immediately joined the cheerleading team of the university and university's dance company, a highly appreciated dance company with many achievements and great recognition. Both teams were more than happy to add her in their groups after they saw her auditions. Brittany was very happy that she could continue two things that she loved very much because she was really afraid that she would be bored there. She wanted to go to MIT for many reasons. She wanted to feel respected and smart and those people could give her that. Plus it was a way to be closer to Santana earlier than she thought she could and at the same time she could give her the time and space to find the dreams she wanted to pursue. _

_So every day Brittany would attend the classes that they instructed her to do. She would sit there endless boring hours of not understanding a thing and just drawing numbers. She learnt early on to give them these drawings and when she did, they were thrilled and she was free to go to cheerleading and dance practice and everyone was happy._

_Of course none of that lasted for long. It was hardly a month. After the news she received from Tina about Santana and especially after Finn's death, everything changed. Not only her MIT life changed utterly, but also her whole life, her personality, Brittany herself as whole changed; Changed for the worst. She couldn't stop herself from falling into an abyss. And since Brittany was always the one who used to live in a fairytale world on cloud nine, this fall was long and the bottom was far away for her to reach it so she could rest._

_She became really careless. She started drinking and smoking. She had sex every night with a different person. People who she didn't care to look at them in their faces. Most of them wanted just mindless sex with a hot girl. Some others wanted to know her, to add feelings. But Brittany would answer them, "I don't do feelings". Every night she would drive her body to reach its limits just to bury her soul even deeper and after drinking and smoking and getting laid with anyone, woman or man, who cared, she would return to her dorm and fall into a deep coma. That was her only goal now, that deep coma that would stop that fall for a while so she could rest. This world was new to her, and people said that it was the real one._

_She didn't have cellphone. She didn't have her cat. She didn't have much money. And soon enough she wouldn't have a dorm to sleep in because the university was already starting to get irritated by her behavior. She couldn't care less._

_One night she was sitting in a bar drinking and smoking. She wasn't looking around for a potential sex partner. She was just sitting there. A woman at her early 40s sat beside her._

**Ann:** Hi!

_Brittany didn't even turn to look at her._

**Brittany:** Hi!

**Ann:** You shouldn't be drinking that much.

**Brittany:** You shouldn't mess with other people's stuff.

**Ann:** You shouldn't be so defensive.

**Brittany:** You shouldn't be so annoying.

**Ann:** Well you should have just look at me.

_Then Brittany turned and looked at her with her newly found empty glare that would scare people. She scared herself sometimes when she was looking herself in the mirror._

**Brittany:** And you should have already left.

_Ann was starting to thinking that it was a bad call to talk to this girl but then again she had something strange on her that she kind of liked it._

**Ann:** I'm Ann.

**Brittany:** Brittany.

**Ann:** Why are you so sad, Brittany?

**Brittany:** _(She snapped again.)_ Fuck! You just don't understand.

**Ann:** Calm down.

Brittany: What do you want? I don't do talking and I don't do feelings. Do you want us to go fuck somewhere? I'm ok with that.

_Ann sat there motionless for a few minutes and then stood up and looked at Brittany._

**Ann:** Ok. Let's go.

_Ann took Brittany at her place. Brittany didn't hesitate and once they were in she started undress the other woman and herself. Ann was doing slow and calm. She wanted to reach that girl, she didn't know why, but she wasn't up for some motionless hurry sex. She liked Brittany. Brittany was very quick and furious but Ann was stroking her hair and was kissing her._

**Brittany:** Stop that!

**Ann:** What?

**Brittany:** Don't be gentle.

**Ann:** I can't be violent.

**Brittany:** Sorry but that's the way I like it.

_Brittany was about to get up from the floor they had ended._

**Ann:** Brittany. Let's go to my bedroom.

_Ann guided Brittany to her bedroom. She had her lied down on the bed and she got on top of her and started kissing her gently everywhere. Brittany couldn't stand this gentle touch on her. She didn't want to feel anything and most of all anything gentle and kind. She was avoiding that like the devil because that would drown her to that well of hurt feelings, to the remembrance of a past life, of happiness, to Santana and that would take her further down to the abyss. She started crying as Ann was kissing her._

**Brittany:** Please… stop… please stop. Please have mercy on me… I can't… please…

_Ann stopped and looked at the poor naked girl crying motionless on her bed. She came beside her and hugged._

**Brittany:** Why did you do that to me?

**Ann:** You are so young and beautiful. What happened to you and damaged you so badly?

**Brittany:** Real world.

**Ann:** No, little girl, real world is not always such cruel, not if we have something to say about it.

**Brittany:** Please… I don't want to talk.

**Ann:** Okay, little girl. Sleep here tonight ok? Nobody is going to bother you.

**Brittany:** Thanks.

_Brittany fell asleep but that wasn't her usual sleep. It was a restless sleep with nightmares. At some point Brittany saw in her sleep Finn. He was on a football field. He was wearing his letterman jacket and jeans. He was smiling with that sweet smile of his and was looking at her. Then he opened his arms and told her._

_**Finn:**__ Come to me, Britt._

* * *

_When Brittany ended the call with Santana that night, Santana felt like she was made of ice. She couldn't move, she couldn't think, she couldn't even speak. A few tears came down her cheek and melted that ice somehow. She couldn't still understand what happened but a new found rage like no other rose in her. She started screaming._

**Santana:** Kurt! Kuuurttt!

_Kurt came out of his room very serious and with red eyes._

**Kurt:** What? Stop yelling.

_Kurt saw her face and a small fear make his way inside him. He was always intimidated by Santana but he thought they were over this._

**Santana:** Did you tell Brittany I said that I have girlfriend who won't stray for a penis?

_Kurt thought, "Oh that's what it is about. Karma is bitch, girlfriend"._

**Kurt:** No, I didn't.

**Santana:** Don't lie to me.

**Kurt:** I told Tina.

**Santana:** _(She yelled.)_ That's the same thing! Are you so stupid? Of course Tina would say that to her.

**Kurt:** _(He decided to push her.)_ So?

**Santana:** So? Jesus! What kind of fucking idiot are you?

**Kurt:** _(He was sarcastic.)_ Again. So? I didn't think that your opinion for your ex or your relationship was a secret. Why would that be a secret? You are not together anymore.

**Santana:** Tell me you are joking because I'm going to kill you right here right now.

**Kurt:** I'm not afraid of you. You have to grow up at some point. You have to act like an adult. What kind of person are you when you say those things for the only good thing that you have done in that miserable life of yours?

**Santana:** Shut up! You know I didn't mean…

**Kurt:** _(He was yelling now)_ You didn't mean what? You didn't mean what you have said? Then why did you? You know Santana, I love you, but you are unbearable. You walk around the world with some attitude, being mean to anyone that comes near you. You did one smart thing, one, in your whole life up until now. You managed to love Brittany and let her reach you. Of course you choose her; because her innocence could cleanse you. Heck, her innocence could cleanse humanity itself. But then you went and fucked that up by breaking up with her. That's okay; do what's right for you. If you not love her anymore, fine, but why did you disgrace her that much? _(He was screaming and crying at the same time)_ Why? Who gave you that right? Nobody could do that to Brittany and you did it? Because she was the only one who could love you? I love you because she did it first. Rachel loves you because Brittany taught her how. Finn loved you…

**Santana:** _(She was screaming and crying too. She was hitting her hand on the wall.)_ SHUT THE FUCK NOWWWW!

_Rachel came out of her room serious with tears in her eyes. When they saw her both of the immediately stop and felt concerned._

**Rachel:** Stop yelling. Go away. Both of you.

**Kurt:** Rachel I'm sorry.

**Santana:** Rachel…

**Rachel:** Finn is dead and you… just go away. I need peace.

_She tried to reach Rachel but Rachel stopped her._

**Santana:** Rachel I didn't…

**Rachel:** Santana, Kurt is right. What you've said was so wrong. More wrong than you can imagine. Because it was said for a person like Brittany and it was came from you. You are free to choose any path you want in your life but don't disgrace people that once were in your life just because you want to show off to someone new. Don't disgrace your past. See, I'm not gay. But I was raised to think like one. The two most important people in my life, my heroes, was gay. You know I learnt to love men because they taught me how. So I know that gender doesn't create confidence in a relationship. Personality does. And thinking about your personality what Brittany would have said for you if she was thinking like you. _(She paused. Santana was looking down.)_ I love you Santana, but I need peace.

**Santana:** I'm sorry. I'm leaving.

_Kurt and Rachel looked at each other concerned._

**Kurt:** Santana…

**Santana:** It's okay. I won't be late. Don't worry. Thank you both. I need to think.

_Santana left and came back late at night. Rachel and Kurt were sitting cuddled on the sofa watching TV. She went and sat between them and they hugged her tightly. Soon enough all three of them were crying and held each other._

_The days went by; Weeks too. Santana was still thinking what her friends told her. She was missing Brittany terribly and couldn't even function properly without her. Dani was really patient but she couldn't understand anything. After a while Santana decided that she couldn't handle everything, all her loses, at once, so stopped trying. She wore a fake happy self and she gave all her energy to Rachel and Kurt so they the three of them could try to get over Finn's death together. Kurt's idea for a band was good one. At least they could put some energy to something creative and plus she could spend some time with Dani without pushing her away all the time. She was feeling really sorry for the girl for finding her in such a bad time but to think about it, part of this mess was… Dani's words… _


End file.
